Why Grief Isn’t Linear: Understanding Your Journey After Loss

Dr. Amber Cohen
November 26, 2024

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Grief is often described as a journey, but unlike most journeys, it doesn’t follow a straight path. After experiencing a loss, it’s normal to hope that the sadness will lessen with time, that we’ll move forward in a steady way. For anyone who’s been through it, grief often feels more like a series of waves than a single, gradual process. One moment, you might feel okay, and the next, a memory or thought can bring everything back.

If you’re grieving and find yourself questioning why some days feel harder than others, know that you’re not alone. Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline or a predictable path. While that can feel unsettling, understanding why grief isn’t linear can help us move forward with more patience and compassion for ourselves.

There’s No “Right” Way to Grieve

Many people feel pressure to grieve “correctly.” Some worry that they should be moving through specific stages, from denial to acceptance, as if grief has a schedule we’re supposed to keep up with. The truth is, grief doesn’t work like that. Each person’s journey through grief is as unique as the relationship they had with the person or thing they lost.

For some, grief feels like an overwhelming sadness that comes in waves. For others, it might look more like numbness, anger, or even moments of joy mixed with sadness. The idea that we’re supposed to move through a series of stages often adds unnecessary pressure, making us feel like we’re “doing it wrong” if our grief doesn’t match a certain mold.

Your grief is your own, and however it shows up, it’s okay.

Grief Can Come and Go Like Waves

One of the reasons grief feels so unpredictable is because it doesn’t move in a straight line. In fact, many people describe grief as coming in waves. They might feel overwhelming, crashing over you all at once. The unpredictability can make it difficult to know what to expect, but it’s a natural part of the grieving journey.

When those bigger waves hit, it doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It simply means that grief is complex, and moments of intensity are part of the way we process deep loss.

Finding Meaning in “Good Days” and “Bad Days”

It’s common to feel like you should be “getting better” over time, especially when it seems like others expect it. Healing from loss doesn’t mean we reach a place where grief disappears. Instead, we learn to carry it differently. Some days, you might feel okay, even find moments of happiness or laughter, and other days, the weight of loss feels fresh and raw again. Both of these experiences are part of the process.

In a way, the good days and bad days can both hold meaning. The good days show us that we’re capable of healing, of finding moments of light even when things feel dark. The difficult days remind us of the depth of our connection, the impact that person or thing had in our life, and how deeply they’re missed. Neither experience is “wrong” or “right”, they’re both part of the journey toward living with loss.

Grief Looks Different for Everyone and That’s Okay

One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it looks the same for everyone. Some people cry a lot, others rarely shed a tear. Some throw themselves into work, hobbies, or routines, while others need space to slow down. None of these responses are “wrong.” Each person’s grief is unique, shaped by the relationship they had with what they’ve lost, their personality, and their own needs.

If you find yourself comparing your grief to others, remind yourself that it’s okay for it to look different. Your way of grieving is valid, even if it doesn’t look like someone else’s. Acceptance and commitment therapy for grief can help you embrace this individuality, allowing you to focus on what feels right for you rather than meeting external expectations.

Navigating Grief Over Time

As time goes on, grief might change. The intensity may lessen, but that doesn’t mean the love or memory fades. Many people find that while they’re able to carry on with life, they never “get over” the loss; instead, they learn to live with it. This is normal. It’s possible to feel joy, connection, and purpose again, while still carrying the memory of what’s been lost.

Grief doesn’t have a final destination. There’s no point where you “finish” grieving. Instead, you move forward with the loss, integrating it into your life in a way that feels right for you. Over time, the sharpness may soften, but the presence of that loss remains as part of your story.

Learning to Be Gentle with Yourself

One of the most important things to remember is to be kind to yourself through this journey. Grief can bring up all kinds of emotions, from sadness to guilt to anger. You might feel conflicted, wondering if you’re grieving “too much” or “not enough.” It’s okay to let yourself feel what you feel without judgment.

Grieving is one of the hardest things we do as humans, and there’s no need to rush it. Give yourself permission to experience the ups and downs, to have days where you feel okay and days when it feels overwhelming. This self-compassion is crucial in allowing yourself to heal in your own way, without the pressure to fit a certain mold or timeline.

Finding Support in Your Journey

If grief feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Talking to others whether friends, family, or a support group can make a difference. People who understand what you’re going through can offer comfort, and sharing your story can help lighten the burden.

At The Cohen Clinic, our team of experienced mental health practitioners is here to support you through tailored grief counselling in Toronto. Schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation with our Clinic Coordinator to help you explore options that feel comfortable and right for you. Seeking help doesn’t mean you’re weak; it’s a sign that you’re giving yourself the support you need to move through this journey in a healthy way.

When we sacrifice too much of ourselves for the sake of others, it becomes harder to feel balanced or at peace. It’s a bit like trying to pour from an empty cup and prioritizing others at the cost of our own needs doesn’t actually serve anyone in the long run.

References

Thompson, S. (2023, May 15). “I thought I was over this” — When grieving is not linear. Mental Health Match. https://mentalhealthmatch.com/articles/grief/i-thought-i-was-over-this-when-grieving-is-not-linear
Manuel, J. (2023, August 29). A way forward: How to navigate grief. Kettering Health. https://ketteringhealth.org/a-way-forward-how-to-navigate-grief/
Mitchell, J. (n.d.). Grief is messy: Why it looks different for everyone. AbleTo. Retrieved November 13, 2024, from https://www.ableto.com/self-care/coping-with-grief/
SWFL Counseling. (n.d.). The uniqueness of grief: Understanding your personal journey. SWFL Counseling. Retrieved November 13, 2024, from https://swflcounsel.com/the-uniqueness-of-grief-understanding-your-personal-journey/