Why “Fake It Till You Make It” Doesn’t Work for Building Confidence

Dr. Amber Cohen
November 8, 2024

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We all know that little mantra, “Fake it till you make it.” But let’s be honest, if you’ve tried it and still don’t feel confident, you’re not alone. For some, “faking it” feels like a quick boost, but for others, it just feels like putting on a mask. So, if pretending to be confident doesn’t work for you, maybe it’s time for a different approach, one that respects where you’re at, who you are, and what really matters to you.

One of the big misconceptions around confidence is that it looks the same for everyone. It doesn’t. Confidence for an introvert might look entirely different than for an extrovert. And if you’re someone who’s naturally reserved, expecting to “fake” your way to extroverted confidence can feel exhausting. It’s like trying to wear someone else’s shoes, they might look great, but they don’t fit.

Real confidence comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s quiet and steady, other times it’s bold and loud. But here’s the thing: it’s always authentic. If “faking it” feels off for you, that’s okay.

Step One: Define What Confidence Really Means to You

Before we start tackling “how to be confident,” let’s get clear on what confidence looks like in your life. Ask yourself: what would feeling confident allow you to do? How would you feel if you were truly comfortable in your own skin?

For some people, confidence means feeling comfortable sharing ideas at work. For others, it’s having the courage to say no, or to take a step back without feeling guilty. Your confidence goals might not look like anyone else’s and that’s the point. When you’re clear on what confidence means to you, it’s easier to work towards it in a way that feels real.

Building Real Confidence, One Step at a Time

So, let’s skip the “fake it” part and look at ways to build real confidence based on your unique personality and goals. Here’s what might help you along the way:

Embrace “Growth Over Goals”
We’re so used to measuring confidence by big achievements like giving a presentation or leading a meeting. But what if confidence didn’t have to be about a major goal? What if it was more about growth than grand gestures?
Instead of seeing confidence as a finish line, think of it as a journey of learning and growth. Each small step like speaking up just once in a meeting or sharing one idea is a step toward feeling more comfortable. These tiny, honest efforts compound over time, creating confidence that feels sustainable.
Understand Your “Confidence Style”
Confidence looks different for everyone. For example, if you’re more introverted, maybe your version of confidence is about inner peace or self-acceptance, rather than needing to stand out. If you’re extroverted, maybe it’s about trusting yourself to engage with others without self-doubt. There’s no “right” way to be confident.
Take a little time to reflect on what feels right for you. When you know your “confidence style,” you can work towards it in a way that actually aligns with who you are rather than trying to fit someone else’s mold.
Redefine Failure as Growth
One of the biggest blocks to confidence is fear of failure. When you approach failure as a natural part of learning, it takes away its sting. Real confidence doesn’t mean you don’t fail; it means you know how to handle it when you do.
Instead of aiming for perfection, try aiming for progress. If you’re worried about messing up, remind yourself that confidence isn’t about doing everything right, it’s about doing things anyway, learning, and bouncing back. When you can face setbacks without judgment, confidence follows naturally.
Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism
Many of us think confidence requires a certain level of “toughness,” but sometimes it’s the opposite. Confidence often grows faster when we’re kind to ourselves, not when we push or punish ourselves. Think of confidence like a plant; it grows better with care, not criticism.
If self-criticism is your go-to, try a little self-compassion instead. Next time you’re facing something hard, ask yourself: “If a friend were in this situation, what would I say to them?” Then, offer yourself that same kindness. Self-compassion builds a resilient confidence, the kind that can weather ups and downs without crumbling.
Own Your Strengths (Even the Quiet Ones)
One reason “faking it” doesn’t work is that it ignores what you already have to offer. Real confidence doesn’t mean being good at everything, it’s about recognizing and valuing what you’re already great at, even if those things aren’t flashy or obvious.
If you’re someone who’s thoughtful, empathetic, or great at listening, those are strengths worth embracing. Owning your unique strengths builds a confidence that’s grounded in authenticity. Rather than pretending to be someone you’re not, take stock of what’s already part of who you are.

No Masks Required: Building Confidence That’s Real
The real trick to building confidence? It’s about finding what works for you, not pretending to fit someone else’s mold. When you move away from “fake it till you make it” and start focusing on building it instead, confidence becomes less about appearances and more about feeling good in your own skin.

If you’ve tried the “fake it” route and it hasn’t felt right, that’s okay. It just means you’re ready for an approach that respects your unique path, values, and personality. Real confidence doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t have to be loud. It’s a process, one that builds quietly over time, in the small moments where you show up as yourself, for yourself.

References

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Huang, L. (2020, February 5). Why ‘Fake It Till You Make It’ Is Terrible Advice. TIME. https://time.com/5777479/fake-it-till-make-it-advice/
Center for Management & Organization Effectiveness. (n.d.). Is your leadership being threatened by false confidence? CMOE. https://cmoe.com/blog/leadership-threatened-false-confidence/
Russell, M. (2024, May 30). Why celebrating small wins matters. Harvard Summer School. https://summer.harvard.edu/blog/why-celebrating-small-wins-matters/
Foroux, D. (2024, April 29). Why introversion leads to more self-confidence. Darius Foroux. https://dariusforoux.com/confidence-introvert/
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